On Death
Death comes least when you expect it.
My maternal grandma passed away few days ago, and I didn’t end up flying back with my mom for her funeral. There were a few unlucky logistical reasons behind that but I ultimately feel guilty for not doing so. I'll pay my respects when I go back to Korea in the summer.
I also feel really bad for my mom. She basically chose to upheave her entire life in Korea and come to Canada, raising me and my brother far away from her own friends and parents. She probably saw her own mother less than 8 times after immigrating here. And to find out she passed away over a phone call is devastating.
My grandmother was the first relative in my own extended family pass away, so I feel a bit lost on how to navigate the whole ordeal. It also sucks because she was probably my closest extended relative. She was basically my second mom. I stayed a lot at my grandma’s when I lived in Korea and every time I went to visit during my childhood summers. I still remember a lot from back then.
I mulled a lot about life and death over the past few days. What does it mean to live a good life? What matters after death?
My grandma wasn’t a career woman. She had 4 children and had a really big family. She was very active at her church and was devoutly Christian. She wasn’t wealthy, she wasn’t poor. She had many health problems in recent years and suffered greatly from them. But she had a large funeral. Countless people showed up.
I think when I view her life story and the aftermath of her passing, it’s really clear that the biggest priority in life should be family and people you build relationships with. The saddest outcome in life is to not be surrounded by people who love me.
To have an empty funeral hall. Surrounded by no one at my casket.
All the money in the world couldn’t fix that.
In contrast, all my past and current material obsessions seem naive. Do I really want to become the asshole multi-millionaire? I feel very guilty for being judgemental and closing off many people for the past few years. I’ve been a pretty bad friend to some people in my life.
Kindness is cheap. It goes a long way.
I want to spend my life being kinder. Less judgemental. More empathetic. Everyone’s tryna make it.
To lead with a good heart.
Nothing else really matters.
A problem I have is my own self integrity. Who am I if I can’t keep promises to my own self?
The last time my grandma and I spoke she made me promise two things:
- Stay healthy
- Always have and chase a dream
I’ve been half-assing my “health” related goals for the past few years. This year it’s going to actually change. I also want to become healthy in both physical and mental sense. There are bad behaviours and thought loops I fall into here and there. I will properly address them this year.
I take the second promise to be more along the lines of not half-assing life. To never just “exist” aimlessly. To never quit.
I do believe I’ll be financially successful. I really do believe in myself. Maybe it won’t be this quarter, this year, or even the next, but I know it will happen. I need to keep the faith.
Death teaches you a few things.
It’s damning how even when your own world is crashing, the real world doesn’t stop spinning.
You’re the main character, but you also aren’t. Sun don’t stop for nobody. Life moves on.
Tomorrow also really isn’t guaranteed. Like my grandma, you could really just pass away in your sleep tonight. Or tomorrow.
There is no tomorrow.