Outgrowing Friends
I took a gap year last year. The rationale behind this deserves its own post, but I was consequently living in Palo Alto for a while. It meant leaving behind my friends I grew up with in Toronto for 8+ years and living alone in a city far from home for the first time. It also gave me time to reflect on my friendships, both past and present. I came to realize a few things which I'd like to share.
If you are a friend to everyone you are an enemy to yourself.
I believe that in any friendship, friends put each other inside static mental boxes. These boxes outline what we expect from each other like behaviours, preferences, or even physical appearance. But more importantly, we subconsciously determine each friend's hierarchal order with respect to yourself. If you have a fat friend (fatter than you), you subconsciously put them in a "lower" rung than you appearance wise. If you have a friend who is more rich than you, you subconsciously put them in a "higher" rung than you financially. You get accustomed to this order, and it becomes a part of your own identity.
As humans, our goals, values, and all the aforementioned attributes constantly change. Growing and changing is in fact great for your development. But it also disrupts the mental boxes your friends have put you in. More often than not, most people seem to react negatively to your growth because it disrupts the order in their own lives. So they may not want you to change. They might want to keep you in the same box because they want to keep the same person they've always known.
The converse is also true. Your friends are growing in their own ways, and not everyone is on the same path as you.
I think what I'm really trying to say with all this is is that friendships have natural lifecycles. It's easy to feel guilt whenever friendships fizzle out, but you really shouldn't feel this way. If you get overwhelmed by it you simply won't be able to grow. Enjoy the good times for what they were, and look ahead. God has a plan for you :)
Note: this message isn't an endorsement to deliberately "cut off" people in your life in order to convince yourself that you are "growing".
Proximity is not what makes a "friend" a friend.
After withdrawing from school, without homework or midterms to fuss over I stopped talking to a lot of my school friends. In fact, I realized I didn't know much about some of them beyond school. I had no idea what their families or childhoods were like, their hobbies, politics, or hottest takes. These were people I hung out with every day for 8 months!
True friendships need to be multidimensional. You can't revolve your relationship around just one dimension. Otherwise they're just an "X Friend". A school friend. A gaming friend. A gym friend.
You should put in the work to find these true friends. You don't need to start with brand new people, maybe some of those "X Friends" can become true friends. Try to ask them deeper questions, bond over different activities, and meet more in person. True friends are important to have. They are the people you'd consider as your best man at your wedding, influence your kids as role models, and to rely on in your darkest moments.
Don't also take proximity for granted. Outside of structured environments like school where you're constantly forced to meet people, it's hard to find new faces.
A sobering cure to the fear of letting go.
Would you become friends if you met them for the first time today? If your answer was anything other than an immediate yes, you know your answer.
Your early 20s is so chaotic. People graduate university, move to new cities, get married, and start new jobs. Many long lasting friendships are lost in this transition. I hope these words can help.